If you’re going to tamper in God’s domain, the least you can do is invest in a shatterproof containment flask. Recommended listening: Breaking up is shard to do.

(excerpts from Van Nielsen’s Field Notes on Prime-Time Draculas) Rollin Handula: Master of disguise, strong affinity towards the moon. Daughter also a vampire of minor reknown. Won an Oscar for his poignant portrayal of another elderly ailing Dracula. Swanula: Do not be fooled by the diminutive stature!!! Has made multiple demonic pacts with terrifying entities […]

GIANT SPIDERS! They like to interfere with road crews for kicks! GIANT SPIDERS! They like to picnic in the grass! GIANT SPIDERS! Always looking for a good deal on a firm but comfortable queen-size mattress! GIANT SPIDERS! They greatly overestimate their abilities as pick-up artists! GIANT SPIDERS! Sometimes they are powered by a rear-mounted 1600 […]

Scary: Linda Blair in Hell Night (1981) Scarier: Linda Blair in The Exorcist (1973) Scariest: Linda Blair in Roller Boogie (1979) The sanity-shattering apex of existential terror: Linda Blair on The Love Boat (1982) Recommended listening:

I am a ghoul who will lurk by your graveside I’ll be the fiend that you’re fighting off We’ll mope forever Knowing together That we did it all for the glory of goth After all these years I’m still wondering whether it was a “Robert Palmer being a Husker Du fan thing” or that some […]

All right, my fellow fiends, it’s time to descend into a realm of truly tragic horror… …otherwise known as “mid-1970s primetime television.” “Vampire,” a second season episode of Starsky & Hutch originally aired on October 30, 1976, is part of the long if not proud tradition of tossing some modestly macabre plot into the mix […]

“Y’know, kids, the blood is the life…and it shall be mine!” Recommended listening:

And before you jump into the comments and ask, Johnny Cash is canonically a vampire.

(being an excerpt from my forthcoming bestselling novel and big budget movie adaptation) When it came to my research, I didn’t take any shortcuts. Over the past five years, I’d worked my way down the entire recommended reading list. Danielle Steel, V.C. Andrews, John Jakes, Robert Ludlum, Herman Wouk, James Clavell. Michner. Krantz. Forsyth. L’Amour. […]

“On the evening of April 16, 1917, Comrade Kermit stepped onto the platform and addressed the awaiting crowd. ‘Down with global capitalism! We are defenders of the Rainbow Connection, comrades! The lovers, the dreamers, and myself know that we have finally found it! We have nothing to lose but our slightly visible strings!’ He then […]