Armagideon Time

Time to get things started

December 6th, 2011

“On the evening of April 16, 1917, Comrade Kermit stepped onto the platform and addressed the awaiting crowd. ‘Down with global capitalism! We are defenders of the Rainbow Connection, comrades! The lovers, the dreamers, and myself know that we have finally found it! We have nothing to lose but our slightly visible strings!’ He then spastically thrashed his arms in the air as the masses cheered their approval.”

“Fozzie, known in Party circles as ‘The Bear,’ was one of Kermit’s closest confidants. A vocal proponent of expanding the revolution to the restive massess in Lidsville and the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, Fozzie was instrumental in beating back the coalition of counter-revolutionary armies led by Captain Kangaroo. A master propagandist and convincing orator, Fozzie’s famous dictum ‘Have you heard the one about the reactionary kulak? Wakka wakka wakka!’ incited bloody pogroms against the landed gentry and urban bourgeoisie classes. Forced into exile after Kermit’s death, Fozzie retreated to a fortified compound in Mexico City where he was pecked to death by an agent of Gonzo in 1930.”

“Miss Piggy (nee Maria Porcidonova) was a nursing student at Veterinarian’s Hospital when she became radicalized by contact with the puppetariat. A fierce advocate of revolutionary violence, she was arrested for karate-chopping a general of the Old Regime to death during broad daylight in a public square. Conflicts with Chairman Kermit over revolutionary goals led Piggy to stage her own failed insurrection. She was sentenced to prison and later executed during a wartime purge.”

“Though a familiar face in Chairman Kermit’s inner circle, Gonzo’s strange behavior and opportunist tendencies caused a great deal of mistrust among his fellow revolutionaries. These suspicions were proven true during the power struggle following Kermit’s death, when Gonzo seized control of the Party and swept aside any all perceived threats to his rule. In addition to the violent purges and pryotechnic show trials directed at so-called ‘enemies of the state,’ Gonzo was also responsible for the devastating famine caused by agricultural reforms unwisely steered by his fixation upon poultry farming.”

“Statler and Waldorf were veteran revolutionaries, and quick to criticize the missteps and failings of their peers. While tolerated — if ignored — during Kermit’s reign as Party chairman, they were among the first victims of Gonzo’s purge of the Old Guard. Both willingly attended trial, confessed to the surprising crime of conspiring with foreign powers against the puppetariat, and were summarily executed. Why — knowing what the outcome would be — did they chose to come there? Perhaps we’ll never know.”

– excerpts from Whose Hand Up Whose Ass: The Rise of the Muppet Socialist Regime by Andrew Otis Weiss

7 Responses to “Time to get things started”

  1. Tales to Enrage

    What of the persistent rumors that Robin escaped Gonzo’s violent takeover of the Party and still survives in exile?

  2. Professor Matthew

    I don’t even want to know what happened to Sam the Eagle.

    This is brilliant.

    Strangely enough though, I’m wearing my Trotsky t-shirt today. What a coincidence….

  3. bitterandrew

    Sam the Eagle wrote an account of the revolution, Ten Gag Skits that Shook the World, was buried with honors in the Kremlin cemetary, and was later portrayed by Warren Beatty in a shitty boring movie.

  4. Prankster

    Most sensational, Andrew. Inspirational. Celebrational.

  5. Mikester

    There may be no greater word invented this year than “puppetariat.”

  6. Sol B

    And Orwell later wrote an allegory using the cast of Sigmund and Sea Monsters

  7. Tony Goins

    Second on “puppetariat.”

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