Armagideon Time

The House That Dripped Blood was a 1971 British horror anthology film, one of many such releases from Amicus during the period. It’s big selling points were the fact its various segments were adaptations of Robert Bloch tales and its cast included an all-star lineup featuring not only Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing, but also the always-welcome Nyree Dawn Porter, Denholm Elliott and Jon Pertwee (pushing maximum swankiness, even relative to his turn as the Third Doctor).

But the reason I remember it was its use as a plot point in one of the multitude of educational “critical discussion” series cranked out by PBS during the first half of the 1970s. Sporting names such as Thinkabout and Inside Out and Self Incorporated, they were fifteen-minute little morality plays about the “challenges facing the youth of today” and typically ended on an ambiguous note or outright cliffhanger engineered to foster discussion.

Which I’m sure made sense in a classroom environment, but folks in my age bracket tended to encounter these shows years after the fact as filler squeezed into the “TV in the classroom” blocks some PBS stations would run during school hours, but were mostly stumbled across when you were flipping channels while home sick and bored shitless.

So where does The House That Dripped Blood figure into all this?

As a forbidden movie playing at the local dollar theater which — along with a heavy dose of peer pressure — induced some wavering young soul to — GASP — LIE TO HIS PARENTS in order to sneak in a see it.

Yeah.

Y’see, the problem with these instructional reels, as well meaning as they were, tended to either glorify the various transgressions depicted or failed to understand how the target audience viewed their world. Swapping out the laughably hardcore moralizing of older mental hygiene productions for a more contemporary “no judgments here, maaaaaan” approach could not change the fact that the Kids are gonna get up to shit because that’s what the Kids do.

Lie to your parents to sneak into a horror movie with your best buds? Sounds like a grand plan, especially if you’re 12.

There was an episode of Self Incorporated where a prim teen from the country goes to spend a few weeks with her slick city cousin, who initiates her into the world of smoking, drinking and running from the cops when their kegger in the woods gets raided. The points it was trying to make were about setting what would become known as “boundaries” and resisting peer pressure, but my takeaway even at the tender age of 11 was that by the end of the vacation, Miss Prim would be functionally identical to her cousin and bring the gospel of Boone’s Farm and Benson & Hedges back to the fellow members of the East Overshoe Junior High show choir.

It’s a cynical take but it was one borne out by witnessing the evolution of my slightly older relatives, my friends, and even myself…and then revisited upon me as the father of an adolescent four decades later.

(In high school, I joked that the French exchange program was sponsored by Big Tobacco and Big Booze, because they’d send a dozen lace-collared Francophile princesses to Paris for two weeks and get back a cosmopolitan crew of wine-loving party girls with a half-pack-a-day habit and the annoying tendency to prefix everything with “Well, in France they….”)

This probably wasn’t the line of thought the folks at Amicus were anticipating when they made The House That Dripped Blood, but such is the magic of cinema.

Recommended listening: No longer Human (League)

Before Eustace Q. Sadism, EdD hit upon the venture which would make him a household name, he’d tried his hand at a staggering number of enterprises which never caught on with the public.

Here are a few:

– The Yarn Store of Dr. Sadism
– The Slot Car Emporium of Dr. Sadism
– The Wicker Furniture Showroom of Dr. Sadism
– The Pet Grooming Palace of Dr. Sadism
– The Cake Decoration Service of Dr. Sadism
– The House of Pizza of Dr. Sadism
– The Ballroom Dance Studio of Dr. Sadism
– THe Organic Bakery of Dr. Sadism
– The Vape ‘n’ Pawn Depot of Dr. Sadism
– The Day Spa of Dr. Sadism

…and, of course, The Gourmet Frozen Yogurt Stand of Dr. Sadism.

Recommended listening: Another on-the-nose selection, yes, but they were going to show up eventually in the countdown, and here is as a good a place as any.

Listen to them, the children of the eurodisco! What music they make!

Recommended listening: Did I mention there’s a promo video? Because there is one, Satan help us all.

Boris Karloff is horror royalty, whose presence could elevate even the worst cinematic drek — and he starred in a lot of it, especially during his final years.

Unfortunately that legendary status has been somewhat undercut for me by the utterly random epiphany I had some years ago that he bears a striking resemblance to the equally legendary character actor Abe Vigoda.

Recommended listening: They should’ve been huge, but got buried in a sea of flannel.

At my elementary school, it was a thing to send the entire sixth grade class off to a campground in the Nashoba Valley for an entire week to learn about nature and shit from a bunch of earthy crunchy undergrads.

I absolutely dreaded the experience — not just because the prospect of being with trapped for five full days with the same kids who’d made my life a living hell was uncut nightmare fuel, but also because my twelfth birthday happened to fall during the week in question.

To make things even worse, my only friend in the class got sent home a couple of days in because of a broken leg and we got socked in by a late season storm which dropped a foot of snow halfway through the week.

I ended up spending most of the time on a little ledge I found in the rafters of the communal bunkhouse, reading and rereading the copies of the original Marvel Handbook’s Books of the Dead I’d had the foresight to pack in my duffel bag.

When I got tired of those, I checked out what was on the shelves of the camp’s micro-library. Most of the books were, unsurprisingly, YA treatises on loving trees, hating pollution, and believing in yourself — all messages I can get behind, but are hardly stirring stuff for a tweenaged nerd. The library did have a copy of this, however —

— Rod Serling’s Triple W: Witches, Warlocks, and Werewolves, a 1963 anthology from the YA school of “familiar horror-adjacent celebrity lends their name and a quickie into to some anthology of spookshow standards.” Being a mark for that sort of fare, I devoured it over the course of a couple of evenings even though only one of the dozen stories made any lasting impression upon me, “And Not Quite Human” by Joe L. Hensley.

The short version (with spoilers) is that the the crew of an Arcturan Empire spacecruiser is returning home after nuking poor Planet Earth. The ship is carrying a small contingent of captive earthlings who’ve mysteriously managed to survive said nuking, and their presence has started to make the otherwise emotionless and dreamless Arcturans have sheet-soiling nightmares and a crippling sense of dread. That’s because the captive “humans” are actually vampires whose wooden stakes have been burned away by atomic fire and are tickled pink at the prospect of feasting on an entire galactic empire of hapless dipshits with zero knowledge of their strategies and weaknesses.

WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST! No wonder Rod dug it,

(To be fair, the combo of nuclear annihilation and a bunch of asshole fascists getting turned into snack food was very much up twelve year old Andrew’s alley.)

Recommended listening: In early 1980s Los Angeles, it would’ve been called deathrock, but in early 1980s Britain it was called “neither true goth nor true punk and thus destined for the memory hole.”

Sore. Why not?

Given the current state of the world, I doubt anyone would notice.

Recommended listening: The Horned One’s got game.

On March 13, 1987 — also known as my fifteenth birthday — MTV decided change up its Friday Night Party Zone formula by having legendary horror host John Zacherle, the Cool Ghoul himself, cause Downtown Julie Brown to flee the set and make may for the FRIDAY NIGHT HORROR ZONE.

That’s some first rate acting, Julie. No wonder you landed a role in Sharknado 5.

(Full disclosure: I have carried an irrational grudge towards Downtown Julie Brown since the time I took the last commuter train out of Boston after catching a Dead Milkmen show at the Paradise in the late 1980s, and I was stuck behind a trio of drunk white girls who spent the entire trip to Mishawum Station loudly trying to top each other’s impressions of her.)

Regrettably, the rest of the hour-long block fails to live up to that promising start. The fault wasn’t Zacherle’s, who gamely indulged in the candy-cornball bits and punny patter he was brought on to do. The problem was in the playlist which, apart from Alice Cooper’s “Welcome to My Nightmare” and Ozzy’s “Bark at the Moon” was same slow pitch MOR stuff one could’ve gotten by flipping the channel to VH-1.

Expecting too much from MTV has been a fool’s errand since the station’s inception, but 1987 was also a banner year for the kind of music that attracted black-garbed humanities majors with notebooks full of poetry and severe Vitamin D deficiencies. It would’ve been nice for Siouxsie or the Sisters or the Phantasmagoria Era Damned to make a token presence, but instead we got Stevie Ray Vaughn and Los Lobos and the fucking Motels.

Oh, and Ray Parker Jr’s Ghostbusters theme, but that was to “spooky music video” blocks what “Achy Breaky Heart” would be to 1993 wedding receptions.

Last time I checked, there was a copy of the show up on YouTube, though all the original commercials present in my archived version trimmed out. That’s a damn shame, because they went a long way towards offsetting the disappointing video selections and give an fascinating glimpse of the State of Things circa Spring 1987.

Besides such timepieces as spots for the Spellman Center (the only treatment ward for AIDS in New York at the time), the Blake Edwards bomb Blind Date, and Michael J. Fox flogging Diet Pepsi, there’s an early commercial for the Nintendo Entertainment System in there…

…in which a group of youths in totalitarian breakdancing wear are assaulted by a Skynet subnode formed from the console’s original “Black Box” lineup of games.

There’s also a sport for the then-recently released Nightmare on Elm Street 3 featuring testimonials by audience members whose extreme levels of 1987-ness are more terrifying than anything in the actual movie.

These dudes are my favorite, and not because they resembled the group I sat with in the cafeteria during 9th Grade.

Recommended listening: Yeah, it’s so obvious that it borders on a cop-out, but the classics never go out of style.

I have not been idle during my long hiatus from Armagideon Time. In fact, a good part of my free time has been spent dabbling in a form of digital necromancy, pulling and salvaging interesting and otherwise “lost” bits from a stream of block VHS-to-digital transfers that have been getting dumped onto the Internet Archive.

The quality of the recordings has been fairly decent considering the limitations of the source technology and the age of the tapes, which date back as far as 1987.

There are a lot of truly damaged recordings in there, though — some originating from the source signal, some from the imperfections of 1980’s A/V technology, and some from the entropic rot that magnetic tape undergoes over three decades. It’s irksome when it affects something I did want to crop out and archive, but otherwise I enjoy the nostalgic vibe it evokes.

After all, what are these recordings if not digitized ghosts, ragged and distorted echoes struggling to maintain a foothold in the present day material world?

Recommended listening: It’s always weird to be reminded that they started off as a junior division Siouxsie and the Banshees.

Confession time:

I cannot stand having makeup or any form of goop applied to my face. It’s one of my odd sensory tics and got me into loads of trouble when I was a young tyke and would scream and hide behind the plaid orange sofa when my artist mom wanted to apply the finishing touches to whatever elaborate Halloween costume she’d crafted for me that year.

It’s why I’m wearing an expression of abject shellshocked misery in every Halloween photo taken of me prior to 1979.

More than my usual resting hangdog face, I mean.

Recommended listening: From Boingo’s “best” album, in the sense that Trouser Press merely damned it with faint praise instead of calling for the public execution of the parties involved. Still, nothing compared to the blazing mad-ons they harbored towards INXS and Robert Palmer.

New York hipsters, man.

 
(from “The Second Death of the Spectre” in Adventure Comics #440, July-August 1975; by Michael Fleisher and Jim Aparo)

Testing…

Testing…

Is this thing still on?

Sigh.

If nothing else, the thick veneer of dust and curtains of cobwebs which have accumulated in Armagideon Time HQ will add to the ambience of my foolhardy attempt to reanimate the rotting corpse of this blog.

I don’t even have a concept of plan for where this will lead — and that, my friends-in-fright, is truly scary.

Recommended listening: Not my favorite rendition of this familiar standard, but she was the vocalist Johnny Mercer had in mind when originally penned the lyrics for it.

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