Armagideon Time

As lampreys affix themselves to sharks and hyenas follow in the wake of lions, so do mercenary opportunists swarm wherever the titans of the music industry tread in hopes of shilling their tangential wares.

What do you get the megalomaniacal dope casualty who has doomed delusions of eternal stardom? Something flashy. Something vaguely relevant. Something that says “Hey, baby, remember who your real friends are” just in case that million-selling LP wasn’t a one off fluke on the road to rehab and recriminations.

Something like this gaudy bauble…

…which possessed all the absurd extravagance of a solid gold coke spoon but none of the utility.

The 1982 trade rag ad got me wondering if any surviving examples had made it — through financial desperation or lifestyle repudiation — onto eBay. Given the vagaries of the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, the odds had to be pretty good, right?

Nope, the closest I could find was this.

I lived through Dirty Dancing mania. There were several hardcore devotees in my sophomore year homeroom. I can’t imagine any one them wearing such a thing. The white girl blouse styles of that misbegotten era couldn’t really accommodate such hefty proto-bling.

Closer in spirit, yet removed by a technological format shift, was this discounted darling of the digital dime store…

…makes an ideal break-up gift, providing you engrave “Close to Me” ten times on one side and “Wave of Mutilation” twelve times on the other before leaving it in your former beau’s mailbox while she’s at work.

One Response to “Bling, bling, bling (with a swing)”

  1. maxbenign

    We got a couple framed gold records on the wall at [Redacted]. Labels used to send them out, like “Thanks, [Redacted], for helping [Album] reach Gold!”

    Relics of a fading empire in 20-dang-15, tell you what.

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