Armagideon Time

Ultimate Powers Jam #32: Passover

November 19th, 2014

I hope you’re ready to hoof if, ailment true believers, ed because it’s time to trot out another installment of…

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……in which I use the character creation rules in the Marvel Super Heroes RPG’s Ultimate Powers Book to roll up a random batch of powers and abilities, then sit back and watch as some incredibly talented folks work their creative magic upon the quantified chaos.

Today’s exercise in equestrian excellence comes courtesy of the mighty Mike Zeidler and the spectacular Kyle Starks.

My name is Pete, and I f&%@#$g HATE lizards.

Back before I became this monstrosity, I had a nice little office job at Wellesley Dynamics, a tech contractor for the Army. One day we were testing our all-terrain decoy out in the woods when we came across this glowing donut thing that the former owner of this body later told me was a Gebrochts condenser. Oh right, I should tell you that I didn’t always look like this. No, I used to be just an ordinary old Jewish kid, the kind most people would pass by on the street without a second glance, but now look at me, 6’ 3”, white as an albino (no offense meant) and a damn horse’s head and hooves.

Anyway, we didn’t know WHAT it was, so we had Robby, the robo-decoy, carry it back to the truck for us before we headed back to the lab. Everyone else left for the day when we got back, but being project lead, I wanted to pore over the feedback from Robby’s test run. Then the lizards showed up, “snarks” is what horseface called ‘em. I ducked behind the lab table and was shocked to be looking at what I’ve since gotten used to as my face.

I let out a little yelp, and “Kan’e” (I hope you’re happy, ship) clamped his hand over my mouth, shushing me with his other hand. The lizards had heard, unfortunately and were noisily making their way toward us. Kan’e reached up, grabbed the donut and pulled me out of the way, just as a lizard flipped the table over, exposing us. The lizards fired their guns, hitting the condenser, and suddenly I was leading the way. We both stopped, confused, and then I started feeling all tingly, and everything started getting fuzzy as this stupid, STUPID ship transported what it thought was its owner back to safety.

When I got on board, I immediately yelled to get sent back, but it was already too late, I was dead. That is, my body was dead, I was trapped in this freakish man-horse body. The ship pulled me back and I broke down.

That was eighteen months ago, since then I’ve set the stupid (Stupid, STUPID!) ship up to monitor my family members, so if anything were to happen to them we could go and help. Ship also thinks I need a superhero name because it’s been monitoring satellite TV feeds and become enamored with Captain America and the Avengers. Have I mentioned how stupid the ship is? It’s like a puppy, always wanting affection.

While it’s up there monitoring, I’ve settled on the only uninhabited island on the east coast. It was tough going at first, but I’ve gotten better at building the little “mud brothers” to help out around the island. They’re like golems, but because I can give them different powers, I only make them about a foot tall, so they don’t get out of hand. They used to be taller, but when I catch a glimpse of myself and remember what an abomination I am, they fall apart or, in some cases, explode.

(Words by Mike Zeidler and art by Kyle Starks. UPJ logo provided by Dave Lartigue.)

Are you an artist, writer, or terrifying combination of the two who’d like to try your hand at the Ultimate Powers Jam? Then drop me a line at bitter(dot)andrew(at)gmail(dot)com and I’ll commence the dice to rolling!

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